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We hold this truth to be self evident:
That all TECHIES are created superior.
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The Book of Genesis

In the beginning there was the Stage, and the Stage was without lights or sets, and darkness was on the faces of the actors. And the Technical Director (hereinafter referred to as the TD) said, "Let there be Lights!" and the TECHIES worked and wired, and there were lights. Spotlights and specials, areas and backlighting - yes, lights of all shapes, sizes and hues. And the TD saw the lights, that they were well aimed and focused, gelled according to the scene, and no more was there darkness on the faces of the actors. And it was good. And the evening and the morning were the First Day.

And the TD looked upon the actors and saw that although they walked in light, they did walk upon a bare stage, and had no place to be, and the TD was moved to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be a Set!": and the TECHIES scrambled and worked, and there was a set, with platforms, wagons, stairs, and furniture of various types and sized, each according to the need. And the actors did walk within the set, and did have a place to be. And the TD saw the set, that it was good, and the evening and the morning were the Second Day.

And the TD saw the actors, that although they did have a place to be, they did look like fools, for they waved their hands, clutched at open air, and struck each other with nothing. And in his heart, the TD was moved to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be Props!": and the TECHIES worked feverishly and did buy and build, and there were props. And they were good, and the evening and the morning were the Third Day.

And the Costumer looked upon the actors, and saw that they did go forth in blue jeans and the Costumer knew that this would not do. And the Costumer said, "Let there be Costumes!": and the TECHIES did cut and sew and shape, and there were costumes, each sized to the actor, according to the play, and keeping in with the role. And no more did the actors go forth in blue jeans, and the Costumer saw the costumes, that they were good, and the evening and the morning were the Fourth Day.

And the TD watched the play, and saw that the actors did wait in silence, and was moved to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be Sound!": and the TECHIES worked and taped, and there were sounds, each according to its place and cue, all at the proper levels. And the TD heard the sounds, that they were good, and the evening and the morning were the Fifth Day.

And lo, all these works were completed in five days, showing that if God had used sufficient TECHIES in the first place, He would have finished sooner.

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The Book of Exdous

And lo, as the year begins, so is the Gaffa Tape delivered unto the TECHIES, who do revere and worship the Gaffa.

And, soon, does the Gaffa Tape leave the store, to be used by the TECHIES in pursuit of excellence in their techie activities, and also in various activities with fair TECHIE maidens.

And, the head TECHIES do soon become worried at the amount of Gaffa used, for while much use of Gaffa does surely lead to a higher plane of TECHIE existence, the year must be split in two: 6 months of plenty, following the delivery of Gaffa unto the TECHIES, and 6 months of famine, when the Gaffa must surely run out.

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The Book of Proverbs

Behold, my son here is wisdom. Pay heed to these words, and in the days of thy play, in the hours of thy performing, thou shalt not be caught short. For truly, it is said, pay heed to the errors of others and you shall not make them yourself, and again, as we have been told from on old, to thine own self be true.

  1. Give not unto the actor his props before his time, for as surely as the sun does rise in the East and set in the West, he will lose or break them.
  2. When told the placement of props by the Director, write not these things in ink upon thy script for as surely as the winds blow, so shall he change his mind.
  3. Speak not in large words to actors, for they are slow of thought and are easily confused.
  4. Speak not in the language of the TECHIE to actors, for they are uninitiated, and will not perceive thy meaning.
  5. Tap not the head of a nail to drive it, but strike it firmly with thy strength.
  6. Keep holy the first performance, for afterwards you shall party.
  7. Keep holy the last performance, for afterwards you shall party.
  8. Remember always that the TD is never wrong. If appears that he is, then you obviously misunderstood him the first time.
  9. Leave not the area of the stage during the play to go and talk with the actors, for as surely as you do, you will be in danger of missing your cue and being summarily executed or worse.
  10. Beware of the actors during scene changes, for they are not like unto you and are blind in the dark.
  11. Beware of actors when flying in walls, for they will stand and watch and get crushed.
  12. Take not thy cues before their time, but wait for the proper moment to do so.
  13. Take pity on the actors, for in their roles they are as children, and must be led with gentle kindness. Thus, endeavor to speak softly and not in anger.
  14. Listen carefully to the instructions of the Director as to how he wants things done - then do it the right way. In the days of thy work, he will see thy wisdom, give himself the credit, and rejoice.
  15. And above all, get not carried away with the glow-tape, or thy stage will be alike unto an airport.
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The Gospel According to Luke

It is a simple and clear message delivered unto us by Luke:

Our amps are switched off
The Cans are not patched into the PA
The Masters are down.
The loudspeakers are disconnected
THEY CAN'T HEAR YOU!

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The Parable of the Lighting Desk

Low the story begin one night after a gig at UBSA (a temple of disco).

The techies had performed remarkably during the performance of dancing by the lowly actors and now the disco had begun. The techies stood in a huddle and the techie director said "ERRRRRR!!!!" with a wave of the hands, and from this one gesture they knew it was time for a break before the night of a thousand de-rigs.

But they stopped at the portal of the mighty UBSA temple the techie director speaketh:

"What about the truly wonderous lighting desk, might not somebody half-inch it."

And Chris and Dave replied as one, "Who would be mad enough to steal a lighting desk."

With these immortal words they parted into the cold night air having agreed to meet back at eleven.

As the witching hour approached the techie director and his assistant felt the desk call and found themselves before the ancient doors of UBSA, but the insignificant audience were still partying and little could be done. Having looked around for a job we were held in holy wonderment from the green twinkle of the lighting desk. Strangely drawn they took its carry case and packed it into its holy foam. The sound desk also called although its voice was old and worn but it was taken into our arms and we took them both home.

On returning to the temple of UBSA we sat in a corner waiting for the music to abate.

Then movement caught our eye; Chris and Dave had returned, they were performing strange gestures, then we hear again the "errr!!" and we knew they were unaware of the safety of the desk.

At this knowledge they panicked with flailing arms and whimpers of pain they searched, but the desk was nowhere, they asked two passersby where the desk was and they mockingly said, "Two blokes from the night club came and knicked it."

So Chris did panic some more and went to consult the DJ but the oracle could not answer.

Just as they were about to give up they saw the sniggering forms of the directors in the corner and then they went ballistic and threatened to kill them by depriving them of the holy gaffer tape.

And the moral of this story, always find the techie director for he shall have the equipment.

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The Birth of a Techie

And lo a parcan in yonder western sky, did shine with '152' light. The nieve Fresher was attracted to its golden glow but alas there was no room at the proj. box. "Try the rostra store where ye may well be able to find a place among the old damp sets of yesteryear.". So the fair techie child arrived at the portal to the lowly store and stepped through to find its techie parents who had returned for Freshers Week. The Fresher was quickly converted to techieism and began uttering the sacred words: 'gaffa', 'AJ' and 'lecky' were among the pronouncements.

And low on the second day three members of the ruling party of techie land did arrive bearing gifts of wonderment:

The first bought the backstage pager, for communication is the second most holy virtue.
The second, wearing a cape of black velvet bought the sacred roll of gaffa for no techie can be truly fulfilled without the wonderment of the gaffa.
The third adorned in strange headwear bought a strange cable which he described as "shedloads of these to shedloads of these."

The techie was truly amazed and grateful.

The three then left but not before promising full and comprehensive training to all new Fresher techies. At this the techie parents could bare the silence no longer and burst into tears.

On the third day three more wise men/persons arrived. Instead of gifts they bought pearls of wisdom:

The first, the director, spoke of the promised land. "One day you shall enter the promised land, the new theatre will be completed."
The second spoke of the treatment of lowly things. "Don't drag the chairs across the floor."
The third and final visitor just stood there in silence for the masters were down and the amps were turned off. So no-one could hear St Luke offer to buy a round of drinks.

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Word to the Techies

Remember always that thou art a TECHIE, born to walk the dark places of the stage, and know the secret ways of thine equipment. To your hands it is given to mold the dreams and thoughts of they that watch and to make the Stage a separate place and time. Seek not, as do the actors, to go forth in light upon the stage, for though they strut and talk and put on airs, their craft does truly depend on you, to shape the dreams that they would show.

Remember also that although they depend on you, you exist only to aid them. Remember that thou art a team, for thou shalt party together.

My friends be not deceived by deluded actors masquerading as TECHIES. Remember always the signs by with thou shalt recognize a true TECHIE: they move softly during scene changes, not stumbling or falling; they are silent backstage and are aware of what is happening; they can speak with knowledge of Tools; they respect another's job and aid where they can; they do not just stand and watch. Amen.

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The Book of Bill

And when God had created light, and sets, and props, and costumes, and the like, God rested, and this sabbath day he named the Cast Party. And the Cast Party was good. But on the morning following this said sabbath, the Lord did rise with pain of head and nausea of stomach, and God did go forth into the lighting booth to take unto himself some Pain-Aid and Pepto from the first-aid kit. And because the Lord had not yet drunk of his heavenly goblet of black coffee, he thought, "I shall make a creature in my likeness, and in the likeness of the Techies, who are already in my likeness, and all shall bring me glory." And God took a handful of Pain-Aid and Pepto and created a being in his likeness, and the likeness of the Techies, wearing many tools and garments of only black. And God saw that his creation was good, and firm of joint, and could see in the dark.

And the Techies did party, and build the new creature a beautiful set in which to dwell, with perfect sight lines, a lowering grid, a turntable, three scrims, showers in the back, and gelchangers in the lights. And God said, "My child, I name thee Bill. Go forth and play, Bill." Bill did go forth and play, and henceforward a being running forth like a child on a set would be called a Play. And God said only, "Run, play, and be fruitful; live in great peace on this beautiful set which my Techies have created. Only heed one warning: thou shalt not play pridefully in the vision of anyone, with the exception of the Techies, who are always watching and well should be."

Bill did play for many nights alone with no one but the Techies for company, and was content. But each time God did fade the sunset special from the western side of the theater, Bill's heart cried more and more in torment. And Bill wept to God, "Lord God who hath created me, who hath clothed me and fed me and taught me the holy ways of wrenches and circuits and hath not troubled me to climb any really tall ladders, Lord God, I am lonely and need another like myself." And the Lord was moved to pity. So he took a pipe wrench and smote Bill upside the head, then clipped a lock of his flaxen hair with a utility knife. He mixed this with some sawdust and two measures of joint compound. And God did stir. He stirred until the grid did quake and the heavens flickered. Thus was created another being in the likeness of Bill, but suave of build and of hair as blonde as the morn. God said to Bill, "My son, I offer you the great honor of bestowing this fine creature a name." "I name him Steve," Bill replied with stars in his eyes.

Thusly became Bill and Steve playmates, and there was much frolic and rejoicing on the set. And God saw that they were good, and was not moved to concern. But Bill and Steve grew fond of their games of charades, and were less and less satisfied with the clear, alert gaze of the Techies. "I want not to be gazed upon merely for my light cues," cried out Bill in great distress. "Ah, and I am such a handsome devil," sighed Steve, admiring his reflection in the lid of a paint can. "What a pity that such beauty should go unappreciated!" And God did shake his great head and chuckle, unconvinced that any of his children should go astray.

One night, when the R78's glowed softly in the fresnels, Steve was stirred to waking by a strange noise. He noticed a shadowy figure standing before him. "Speak, and proclaim thyself!" Steve insisted, leaping to his feet and grabbing a piece of stage artillery from the nearby prop table. "Fear me not," proclaimed the specter. "I am none but a weary traveler, and I have journeyed from afar merely to perceive thy beauty and talent." "You're kidding," quoth Steve, dropping his sword. "Ah, indeed," the figure did continue, "far and wide hath the news spread of thy ability to behave in the likeness of characters other than thyself." Steve replied, "And I thought it was simple schizophrenia!" with some relief. And the figure did pull forth a business card, and when Steve did inquire as to what meant the strange word "agent," the figure replied that he was none but a human being who appreciated a good performance and liked to see other people appreciate it, too. For a small fee, of course.

Steve did act for the agent, and tap dance, and sing, paying no heed to the word of God. The agent brought in some of his family, then friends, and Steve awoke Bill to play a jazzed-up duet of "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" fit to make Patti weep. And the Techies did follow Bill and Steve with large round lights, and adjust the sound as necessary, for they understood the word of God and were bound by their God-betrothed duty. The audience did pound their palms together in applause like unto thunder, standing and whistling and shouting for an encore. God was thus awakened from his slumber.

Bill and Steve were aware of the coming wrath of God, and they ran and hid. God sent forth all the Techies to find them.When the Techies did return, they had retrieved not only Bill and Steve but armloads of 8x10 headshots from the lobby and empty bottles of mineral water from the green room. Bill and Steve did cower before God. And God said: Henceforward shalt thou be called "actor," And all thy descendants "actor" as well. Thou shalt wear colorful clothes, And be stripped of the holy knowledge of the Techie. May you marry many times without success. May the tabloids exploit you. May you die lonely deaths in hotel rooms in Vegas, For thou hast fallen from grace. Bill and Steve wept and cried out for redemption, but it was to no avail, for they had sinned in the eyes of God. And their garments became colorful, and sewn with sequins, and uncomfortable, and their faces coated in pancake makeup. And they did forget all that they were taught about being a good Techie, and needed to be spoken to in small words, and could not see even glo-tape in the dark. And the Techies prevailed.

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The Script of Techsodus

Scene 1

  1. And the Children of Vanalstyne were fruitful, and increased like unto Rabbits, and they became a Great people.
  2. And there rose up a new King of the Actorites, who knew not the ways of the Theatre.
  3. And he said unto his people, Behold, the Children of the Hammer are more and mightier than we. Let us deal with them lest they become Lords of the Theatre and steal our audience.
  4. Therefore, they did set over them with petty complaints to afflict them with their burdens, and to break their Spirit.
  5. Complaints about Props, and Makeup, Costumes, and Sets, Lighting, and all Manner of Technical Things.
  6. And the actors did cause the Techies to serve with rigour, fixing all problems that arose, and the Techies were grieved by their afflictions.
  7. And the Techies knew no way to relieve their afflictions, for without the actors, truly, they thought, they would have no Audience.
  8. And so, the only way they might relieve their cares was by doing Multiplication.
  9. On tables.
  10. Tnek begat Siradinok,
  11. Who begat Uanesor,
  12. Yada yada yada.

Scene II

  1. And when the Techie race had Multiplied quite a lot, Thespior, the king of the Actorites saw that the Children of the Hammer were yet greater and mightier than before.
  2. And so, Thespior said unto the People of Vanalstyne, Every child that is born unto you from this time forth must be sent into exile in the lands of Gleeclub.
  3. And the Techies were sore aggrieved to give up their children, but they knew not how to resist the Actorites.
  4. And it came to pass that there was born a certain Techie child, and the child's mother wished that he might not be sent into Gleeclub.
  5. Therefore, she placed her child into a box and placed the box in the Dressing Room.
  6. And it came to pass that he was found by Primadonna, the daughter of Thespior, and she did take compassion on him.
  7. And she said, I will raise this child as my son, and his name shall be called Mikita, for that is the name on the box.
  8. And so, Mikita grew to be a man in the house of Thespior, and he learned the way of the actor, yet he was not an actor.
  9. And one day, Mikita went out unto his brethren, and he beheld an actor complaining to a Techie.
  10. And Mikita was consumed with annoyance, and did tell the actor to bugger off.
  11. Whereupon, Mikita was forced to flee from the Theatre, for Thespior was pissed.

Scene III

  1. He fled into the wilderness, where he came upon a Tablesaw which did turn and turn, and though it was not plugged in, yet ran not out of power.
  2. And he heard a Voice which called, Mikita, Mikita, Mikita.
  3. And Mikita did say, I'm here, I'm here.
  4. The Voice did say unto him, I am the TD of thy fathers, the TD of Tnek, the TD of Siradinok, and the TD of Ueasenor. And Mikita did put on Safety goggles, for he was afraid to look on the TD.
  5. Moreover, He said, go thou unto Thespior, king of the Actorites, and tell to him, Thus sayest the TD of Vanalstyne, Let my people go!
  6. And so, Mikita returned to the land of Thespior, and he did go unto Thespior and said unto him, thus sayeth the TD, let my people go!
  7. And Thespior said unto Mikita, I do not know the TD, neither will I let the Techies go, now go away and bother me not, for I must learn my lines, and I have a headache, and my costume is too small, and my props are unsuitable.
  8. And Mikita said unto Thespior, Behold, since you will not let the Techies go, the TD will cause the Techies to cease their work, and a host of plagues to descend upon you, until you will let the Techies go.
  9. But still, Thespior's heart was hardened, and he would not relent, whereupon, the TD did cause the Techies to cease their work, and a host of plagues did descend on the actors.
  10. On the first night, the Techies did cease their work, and the Set was unfinished, and the actors moved upon it, walking where there would be walls, and sitting where there was no furniture, and the audience did laugh at them.
  11. On the second night, the Techies did cease to work, and all the props in the land were lost or broken by the actors, and the actors had no props upon the Stage, and the audience did laugh.
  12. On the third night, the Techies did cease to work, and there was no one to repair the costumes that the clumsy actors had ripped, and the actors had to go unto the Stage in nakedness, and the audience laughed even harder.
  13. On the fourth night, the Techies ceased work, and the actors found they could not make the audience hear, for they had grown accustomed to using microphones, and now they had none.
  14. On the fifth night, the Techies ceased work, and there was none to work the rigging, and the curtain did not rise, so the audience got bored and went home.
  15. On the sixth night, the Techies ceased work, and there was a thick darkness which covered the entire land, and the audience could not see the actors, and went home.
  16. On the seventh night, the Techies ceased work, and there was none to prompt the actors, whereupon the actors had to improvise near to the whole play, and the audience did laugh and groan.
  17. On the eigth night, the Techies ceased work, and there was none to call cues and tell the actors when to go on, so nothing happened at all, and the audience left, but only after demanding that the actors refund the many shekels they had paid.
  18. On the ninth night, the Techies ceased to work, and there was none to advertise the play, sell tickets, make programs, or organize anything like unto a Bake Sale, whereupon no one came to see the play, although by this time, most people had heard it was indeed a crappy play, and would not have come any way.
  19. On the tenth night, the Techies ceased work, and there were only actors at the cast party, which caused it to be a very sad thing, since the actors were sore aggrieved about the failure of the play, and many had drunk intoxicating waters and were vomiting until they were hard pressed for space to sit down or sleep.
  20. Whereupon, Thespior called Mikita unto him and did say, Lo, you have stricken us with many plagues, and our people are sore aggrieved, and the audience has laughed at us.
  21. Wherefore, you may be free, but we now see we cannot survive without you. Therefore, stay, and work as free men, and our two peoples will be fruitful together and share the rewards of our friendship.
  22. Thereupon, Mikita said unto Thespior that the TD must decide, and went unto the Tablesaw to hear the word of the TD.

Scene IV

  1. And when Makita had come again to the Tablesaw, the TD called out to him, saying I am the TD, who hath brought thee out of servitude.
  2. Thou shalt follow my laws, and thou shalt be blessed among men, for those who follow my laws build according to the draft of righteousness.
  3. Therefore, receive and obey these Ten Really Important Rules, and keep them in your hearts and minds for ever.
  4. I am the TD, the Backstage, the Scenedock. Thou shalt have no other place but me.
  5. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image without a draft, lest without one you do something wrong.
  6. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wood, nor his tools, nor his show job, nor anything that is thy neighbor's.
  7. Honor thy tools, thy hammer and screwgun, thy jigsaw and router, lest they cease to function or cause you Grievous Bodily Harm.
  8. Thou shalt not act. Truly the actor is needed in the Theatre, but remember that thou art a Techie.
  9. Thou shalt not injure thy fellow Techie in any way, whether through carelessness, cruelty, or perversion.
  10. Thou shalt not take the name of the TD in vain, nor say any insult unto the TD's face, for the TD does control who gets the good show jobs.
  11. Thou shalt not be ignorant of thy task or thy surroundings. If thou understandest not thy task, ask for help, but once you know, let not your mind wander from completing it. But, be not so absorbed in work that you see not the batten flying in on top of you.
  12. Thou shalt not begrudge to offer your help where you are needed, albeit the task be not to your liking.
  13. Above all, keep always in your heart your love and faith for the Theatre, your memories of good times and friends, and they shall sustain you through all things.
  14. Whereupon, the TD ceased to speak, and commanded Makita to bring forth two pieces of three-quarters of an inch plywood.
  15. This done, a gleaming router did appear in the air, and did inscribe these Ten Really Important Rules unto the plywood.
  16. And the TD said unto Makita, Go, take these laws unto my children, follow them with thy heart, and you and your successors shall prosper.
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The Book of the Techtor

God looked down on the theatre as hell week approached and he saw that the techies and actors were not ready for their performance. It was not because they didn't have their lines memorized, or that they didn't have their set built. It was because they couldn't get along with each other long enough to put everything together.

He thought to himself the difference between acting and teching is like the difference between light and dark. For actors are stupid people who do not understand the dark side for they walk in the light. For centuries, an ongoing battle between the light and dark has been taking place with no end in sight. For one cannot have light and darkness together because they are opposites and cannot exist together.

God had to find a way to put an end to this horrible blood bath. He decided to build a buffer between the two sides. He would create a new theatre person composed of the core from both the light and the dark. "My creation will be able to move swiftly in the dark and speak fluently before an audience." said God. "He will know the secrets of the techie equipment and drink large amounts of coffee. He will not be irritating or think that he is above all--like some actors. I will call this person the TECHTOR." he continued.

God created this new theatre person and sent him to the theatre in time for the next play. The Techtor became the envy of all theatre kind. For he did not walk in the dark or the light. He walked in the GRAY! All strived to be like him, but few succeeded.

As time passed the actors and techies soon began to unite. For the Techtors, though small in numbers, began to take over the theatre with their superior skills. Since actors are self-centered and don't want anyone taking the spotlight away from them, and techies don't want anyone who stands in that spotlight knowing their techie secrets they rose up as one to over throw the Techtors. A great battle ensued and many actors and techies were lost to the superior Techtors. But the actors and techies were successful and were restored to power and began to reign side by side in peace and prosperity.

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