In the beginning there was the Stage, and the Stage was
without lights or sets, and darkness was on the faces of
the actors. And the Technical Director (hereinafter referred
to as the TD) said, "Let there be Lights!" and the TECHIES
worked and wired, and there were lights. Spotlights and
specials, areas and backlighting - yes, lights of all shapes,
sizes and hues. And the TD saw the lights, that they were
well aimed and focused, gelled according to the scene, and
no more was there darkness on the faces of the actors. And
it was good. And the evening and the morning were the First
And the TD looked upon the actors and saw that although
they walked in light, they did walk upon a bare stage, and
had no place to be, and the TD was moved to pity. And the
TD said, "Let there be a Set!": and the TECHIES scrambled
and worked, and there was a set, with platforms, wagons,
stairs, and furniture of various types and sized, each according
to the need. And the actors did walk within the set, and
did have a place to be. And the TD saw the set, that it
was good, and the evening and the morning were the Second
And the TD saw the actors, that although they did have
a place to be, they did look like fools, for they waved
their hands, clutched at open air, and struck each other
with nothing. And in his heart, the TD was moved to pity.
And the TD said, "Let there be Props!": and the TECHIES
worked feverishly and did buy and build, and there were
props. And they were good, and the evening and the morning
were the Third Day.
And the Costumer looked upon the actors, and saw that they
did go forth in blue jeans and the Costumer knew that this
would not do. And the Costumer said, "Let there be Costumes!":
and the TECHIES did cut and sew and shape, and there
were costumes, each sized to the actor, according to the
play, and keeping in with the role. And no more did the
actors go forth in blue jeans, and the Costumer saw the
costumes, that they were good, and the evening and the morning
were the Fourth Day.
And the TD watched the play, and saw that the actors did
wait in silence, and was moved to pity. And the TD said,
"Let there be Sound!": and the TECHIES worked and taped,
and there were sounds, each according to its place and cue,
all at the proper levels. And the TD heard the sounds, that
they were good, and the evening and the morning were the
And lo, all these works were completed in five days, showing
that if God had used sufficient TECHIES in the first
place, He would have finished sooner.
And lo, as the year begins, so is the Gaffa Tape delivered
unto the TECHIES, who do revere and worship the Gaffa.
And, soon, does the Gaffa Tape leave the store, to be used
by the TECHIES in pursuit of excellence in their
techie activities, and also in various activities with fair
And, the head TECHIES do soon become worried at
the amount of Gaffa used, for while much use of Gaffa does
surely lead to a higher plane of TECHIE existence,
the year must be split in two: 6 months of plenty, following
the delivery of Gaffa unto the TECHIES, and 6 months
of famine, when the Gaffa must surely run out.
Behold, my son here is wisdom. Pay heed to these words,
and in the days of thy play, in the hours of thy performing,
thou shalt not be caught short. For truly, it is said, pay
heed to the errors of others and you shall not make them
yourself, and again, as we have been told from on old, to
thine own self be true.
- Give not unto the actor his props before his time, for
as surely as the sun does rise in the East and set in
the West, he will lose or break them.
- When told the placement of props by the Director, write
not these things in ink upon thy script for as surely
as the winds blow, so shall he change his mind.
- Speak not in large words to actors, for they are slow
of thought and are easily confused.
- Speak not in the language of the TECHIE to actors,
for they are uninitiated, and will not perceive thy meaning.
- Tap not the head of a nail to drive it, but strike it
firmly with thy strength.
- Keep holy the first performance, for afterwards you
- Keep holy the last performance, for afterwards you shall
- Remember always that the TD is never wrong. If appears
that he is, then you obviously misunderstood him the first
- Leave not the area of the stage during the play to go
and talk with the actors, for as surely as you do, you
will be in danger of missing your cue and being summarily
executed or worse.
- Beware of the actors during scene changes, for they
are not like unto you and are blind in the dark.
- Beware of actors when flying in walls, for they will
stand and watch and get crushed.
- Take not thy cues before their time, but wait for the
proper moment to do so.
- Take pity on the actors, for in their roles they are
as children, and must be led with gentle kindness. Thus,
endeavor to speak softly and not in anger.
- Listen carefully to the instructions of the Director
as to how he wants things done - then do it the right
way. In the days of thy work, he will see thy wisdom,
give himself the credit, and rejoice.
- And above all, get not carried away with the glow-tape,
or thy stage will be alike unto an airport.
It is a simple and clear message delivered unto us by Luke:
Our amps are switched off
The Cans are not patched into the PA
The Masters are down.
The loudspeakers are disconnected
THEY CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Low the story begin one night after a gig at UBSA (a temple
The techies had performed remarkably during the performance
of dancing by the lowly actors and now the disco had begun.
The techies stood in a huddle and the techie director said
"ERRRRRR!!!!" with a wave of the hands, and from
this one gesture they knew it was time for a break before
the night of a thousand de-rigs.
But they stopped at the portal of the mighty UBSA temple
the techie director speaketh:
"What about the truly wonderous lighting desk, might
not somebody half-inch it."
And Chris and Dave replied as one, "Who would be mad
enough to steal a lighting desk."
With these immortal words they parted into the cold night
air having agreed to meet back at eleven.
As the witching hour approached the techie director and
his assistant felt the desk call and found themselves before
the ancient doors of UBSA, but the insignificant audience
were still partying and little could be done. Having looked
around for a job we were held in holy wonderment from the
green twinkle of the lighting desk. Strangely drawn they
took its carry case and packed it into its holy foam. The
sound desk also called although its voice was old and worn
but it was taken into our arms and we took them both home.
On returning to the temple of UBSA we sat in a corner waiting
for the music to abate.
Then movement caught our eye; Chris and Dave had returned,
they were performing strange gestures, then we hear again
the "errr!!" and we knew they were unaware of
the safety of the desk.
At this knowledge they panicked with flailing arms and whimpers
of pain they searched, but the desk was nowhere, they asked
two passersby where the desk was and they mockingly said,
"Two blokes from the night club came and knicked it."
So Chris did panic some more and went to consult the DJ
but the oracle could not answer.
Just as they were about to give up they saw the sniggering
forms of the directors in the corner and then they went
ballistic and threatened to kill them by depriving them
of the holy gaffer tape.
And the moral of this story, always find the techie director
for he shall have the equipment.
And lo a parcan in yonder western sky, did shine with '152'
light. The nieve Fresher was attracted to its golden glow
but alas there was no room at the proj. box. "Try the
rostra store where ye may well be able to find a place among
the old damp sets of yesteryear.". So the fair techie
child arrived at the portal to the lowly store and stepped
through to find its techie parents who had returned for
Freshers Week. The Fresher was quickly converted to techieism
and began uttering the sacred words: 'gaffa', 'AJ' and 'lecky'
were among the pronouncements.
And low on the second day three members of the ruling party
of techie land did arrive bearing gifts of wonderment:
The first bought the backstage pager, for communication
is the second most holy virtue.
The second, wearing a cape of black velvet bought the sacred
roll of gaffa for no techie can be truly fulfilled without
the wonderment of the gaffa.
The third adorned in strange headwear bought a strange cable
which he described as "shedloads of these to shedloads
The techie was truly amazed and grateful.
The three then left but not before promising full and comprehensive
training to all new Fresher techies. At this the techie
parents could bare the silence no longer and burst into
On the third day three more wise men/persons arrived. Instead
of gifts they bought pearls of wisdom:
The first, the director, spoke of the promised land. "One
day you shall enter the promised land, the new theatre will
The second spoke of the treatment of lowly things. "Don't
drag the chairs across the floor."
The third and final visitor just stood there in silence
for the masters were down and the amps were turned off.
So no-one could hear St Luke offer to buy a round of drinks.
Remember always that thou art a TECHIE, born to walk the
dark places of the stage, and know the secret ways of thine
equipment. To your hands it is given to mold the dreams
and thoughts of they that watch and to make the Stage a
separate place and time. Seek not, as do the actors, to
go forth in light upon the stage, for though they strut
and talk and put on airs, their craft does truly depend
on you, to shape the dreams that they would show.
Remember also that although they depend on you, you exist
only to aid them. Remember that thou art a team, for thou
shalt party together.
My friends be not deceived by deluded actors masquerading
as TECHIES. Remember always the signs by with thou shalt
recognize a true TECHIE: they move softly during scene changes,
not stumbling or falling; they are silent backstage and
are aware of what is happening; they can speak with knowledge
of Tools; they respect another's job and aid where they
can; they do not just stand and watch. Amen.
And when God had created light, and sets, and props, and
costumes, and the like, God rested, and this sabbath day
he named the Cast Party. And the Cast Party was good. But
on the morning following this said sabbath, the Lord did
rise with pain of head and nausea of stomach, and God did
go forth into the lighting booth to take unto himself some
Pain-Aid and Pepto from the first-aid kit. And because the
Lord had not yet drunk of his heavenly goblet of black coffee,
he thought, "I shall make a creature in my likeness, and
in the likeness of the Techies, who are already in my likeness,
and all shall bring me glory." And God took a handful of
Pain-Aid and Pepto and created a being in his likeness,
and the likeness of the Techies, wearing many tools and
garments of only black. And God saw that his creation was
good, and firm of joint, and could see in the dark.
And the Techies did party, and build the new creature
a beautiful set in which to dwell, with perfect sight lines,
a lowering grid, a turntable, three scrims, showers in the
back, and gelchangers in the lights. And God said, "My child,
I name thee Bill. Go forth and play, Bill." Bill did go
forth and play, and henceforward a being running forth like
a child on a set would be called a Play. And God said only,
"Run, play, and be fruitful; live in great peace on this
beautiful set which my Techies have created. Only heed one
warning: thou shalt not play pridefully in the vision of
anyone, with the exception of the Techies, who are always
watching and well should be."
Bill did play for many nights alone with no one but the
Techies for company, and was content. But each time God
did fade the sunset special from the western side of the
theater, Bill's heart cried more and more in torment. And
Bill wept to God, "Lord God who hath created me, who hath
clothed me and fed me and taught me the holy ways of wrenches
and circuits and hath not troubled me to climb any really
tall ladders, Lord God, I am lonely and need another like
myself." And the Lord was moved to pity. So he took a pipe
wrench and smote Bill upside the head, then clipped a lock
of his flaxen hair with a utility knife. He mixed this with
some sawdust and two measures of joint compound. And God
did stir. He stirred until the grid did quake and the heavens
flickered. Thus was created another being in the likeness
of Bill, but suave of build and of hair as blonde as the
morn. God said to Bill, "My son, I offer you the great honor
of bestowing this fine creature a name." "I name him Steve,"
Bill replied with stars in his eyes.
Thusly became Bill and Steve playmates, and there was
much frolic and rejoicing on the set. And God saw that they
were good, and was not moved to concern. But Bill and Steve
grew fond of their games of charades, and were less and
less satisfied with the clear, alert gaze of the Techies.
"I want not to be gazed upon merely for my light cues,"
cried out Bill in great distress. "Ah, and I am such a handsome
devil," sighed Steve, admiring his reflection in the lid
of a paint can. "What a pity that such beauty should go
unappreciated!" And God did shake his great head and chuckle,
unconvinced that any of his children should go astray.
One night, when the R78's glowed softly in the fresnels,
Steve was stirred to waking by a strange noise. He noticed
a shadowy figure standing before him. "Speak, and proclaim
thyself!" Steve insisted, leaping to his feet and grabbing
a piece of stage artillery from the nearby prop table. "Fear
me not," proclaimed the specter. "I am none but a weary
traveler, and I have journeyed from afar merely to perceive
thy beauty and talent." "You're kidding," quoth Steve, dropping
his sword. "Ah, indeed," the figure did continue, "far and
wide hath the news spread of thy ability to behave in the
likeness of characters other than thyself." Steve replied,
"And I thought it was simple schizophrenia!" with some relief.
And the figure did pull forth a business card, and when
Steve did inquire as to what meant the strange word "agent,"
the figure replied that he was none but a human being who
appreciated a good performance and liked to see other people
appreciate it, too. For a small fee, of course.
Steve did act for the agent, and tap dance, and sing,
paying no heed to the word of God. The agent brought in
some of his family, then friends, and Steve awoke Bill to
play a jazzed-up duet of "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" fit
to make Patti weep. And the Techies did follow Bill and
Steve with large round lights, and adjust the sound as necessary,
for they understood the word of God and were bound by their
God-betrothed duty. The audience did pound their palms together
in applause like unto thunder, standing and whistling and
shouting for an encore. God was thus awakened from his slumber.
Bill and Steve were aware of the coming wrath of God,
and they ran and hid. God sent forth all the Techies to
find them.When the Techies did return, they had retrieved
not only Bill and Steve but armloads of 8x10 headshots from
the lobby and empty bottles of mineral water from the green
room. Bill and Steve did cower before God. And God said:
Henceforward shalt thou be called "actor," And all thy descendants
"actor" as well. Thou shalt wear colorful clothes, And be
stripped of the holy knowledge of the Techie. May you marry
many times without success. May the tabloids exploit you.
May you die lonely deaths in hotel rooms in Vegas, For thou
hast fallen from grace. Bill and Steve wept and cried out
for redemption, but it was to no avail, for they had sinned
in the eyes of God. And their garments became colorful,
and sewn with sequins, and uncomfortable, and their faces
coated in pancake makeup. And they did forget all that they
were taught about being a good Techie, and needed to be
spoken to in small words, and could not see even glo-tape
in the dark. And the Techies prevailed.
- And the Children of Vanalstyne were fruitful, and increased
like unto Rabbits, and they became a Great people.
- And there rose up a new King of the Actorites, who knew
not the ways of the Theatre.
- And he said unto his people, Behold, the Children of
the Hammer are more and mightier than we. Let us deal
with them lest they become Lords of the Theatre and steal
- Therefore, they did set over them with petty complaints
to afflict them with their burdens, and to break their
- Complaints about Props, and Makeup, Costumes, and Sets,
Lighting, and all Manner of Technical Things.
- And the actors did cause the Techies to serve with rigour,
fixing all problems that arose, and the Techies were grieved
by their afflictions.
- And the Techies knew no way to relieve their afflictions,
for without the actors, truly, they thought, they would
have no Audience.
- And so, the only way they might relieve their cares
was by doing Multiplication.
- On tables.
- Tnek begat Siradinok,
- Who begat Uanesor,
- Yada yada yada.
- And when the Techie race had Multiplied quite a lot,
Thespior, the king of the Actorites saw that the Children
of the Hammer were yet greater and mightier than before.
- And so, Thespior said unto the People of Vanalstyne,
Every child that is born unto you from this time forth
must be sent into exile in the lands of Gleeclub.
- And the Techies were sore aggrieved to give up their
children, but they knew not how to resist the Actorites.
- And it came to pass that there was born a certain Techie
child, and the child's mother wished that he might not
be sent into Gleeclub.
- Therefore, she placed her child into a box and placed
the box in the Dressing Room.
- And it came to pass that he was found by Primadonna,
the daughter of Thespior, and she did take compassion
- And she said, I will raise this child as my son, and
his name shall be called Mikita, for that is the name
on the box.
- And so, Mikita grew to be a man in the house of Thespior,
and he learned the way of the actor, yet he was not an
- And one day, Mikita went out unto his brethren, and
he beheld an actor complaining to a Techie.
- And Mikita was consumed with annoyance, and did tell
the actor to bugger off.
- Whereupon, Mikita was forced to flee from the Theatre,
for Thespior was pissed.
- He fled into the wilderness, where he came upon a Tablesaw
which did turn and turn, and though it was not plugged
in, yet ran not out of power.
- And he heard a Voice which called, Mikita, Mikita, Mikita.
- And Mikita did say, I'm here, I'm here.
- The Voice did say unto him, I am the TD of thy fathers,
the TD of Tnek, the TD of Siradinok, and the TD of Ueasenor.
And Mikita did put on Safety goggles, for he was afraid
to look on the TD.
- Moreover, He said, go thou unto Thespior, king of the
Actorites, and tell to him, Thus sayest the TD of Vanalstyne,
Let my people go!
- And so, Mikita returned to the land of Thespior, and
he did go unto Thespior and said unto him, thus sayeth
the TD, let my people go!
- And Thespior said unto Mikita, I do not know the TD,
neither will I let the Techies go, now go away and bother
me not, for I must learn my lines, and I have a headache,
and my costume is too small, and my props are unsuitable.
- And Mikita said unto Thespior, Behold, since you will
not let the Techies go, the TD will cause the Techies
to cease their work, and a host of plagues to descend
upon you, until you will let the Techies go.
- But still, Thespior's heart was hardened, and he would
not relent, whereupon, the TD did cause the Techies to
cease their work, and a host of plagues did descend on
- On the first night, the Techies did cease their work,
and the Set was unfinished, and the actors moved upon
it, walking where there would be walls, and sitting where
there was no furniture, and the audience did laugh at
- On the second night, the Techies did cease to work,
and all the props in the land were lost or broken by the
actors, and the actors had no props upon the Stage, and
the audience did laugh.
- On the third night, the Techies did cease to work, and
there was no one to repair the costumes that the clumsy
actors had ripped, and the actors had to go unto the Stage
in nakedness, and the audience laughed even harder.
- On the fourth night, the Techies ceased work, and the
actors found they could not make the audience hear, for
they had grown accustomed to using microphones, and now
they had none.
- On the fifth night, the Techies ceased work, and there
was none to work the rigging, and the curtain did not
rise, so the audience got bored and went home.
- On the sixth night, the Techies ceased work, and there
was a thick darkness which covered the entire land, and
the audience could not see the actors, and went home.
- On the seventh night, the Techies ceased work, and there
was none to prompt the actors, whereupon the actors had
to improvise near to the whole play, and the audience
did laugh and groan.
- On the eigth night, the Techies ceased work, and there
was none to call cues and tell the actors when to go on,
so nothing happened at all, and the audience left, but
only after demanding that the actors refund the many shekels
they had paid.
- On the ninth night, the Techies ceased to work, and
there was none to advertise the play, sell tickets, make
programs, or organize anything like unto a Bake Sale,
whereupon no one came to see the play, although by this
time, most people had heard it was indeed a crappy play,
and would not have come any way.
- On the tenth night, the Techies ceased work, and there
were only actors at the cast party, which caused it to
be a very sad thing, since the actors were sore aggrieved
about the failure of the play, and many had drunk intoxicating
waters and were vomiting until they were hard pressed
for space to sit down or sleep.
- Whereupon, Thespior called Mikita unto him and did say,
Lo, you have stricken us with many plagues, and our people
are sore aggrieved, and the audience has laughed at us.
- Wherefore, you may be free, but we now see we cannot
survive without you. Therefore, stay, and work as free
men, and our two peoples will be fruitful together and
share the rewards of our friendship.
- Thereupon, Mikita said unto Thespior that the TD must
decide, and went unto the Tablesaw to hear the word of
- And when Makita had come again to the Tablesaw, the
TD called out to him, saying I am the TD, who hath brought
thee out of servitude.
- Thou shalt follow my laws, and thou shalt be blessed
among men, for those who follow my laws build according
to the draft of righteousness.
- Therefore, receive and obey these Ten Really Important
Rules, and keep them in your hearts and minds for ever.
- I am the TD, the Backstage, the Scenedock. Thou shalt
have no other place but me.
- Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image without
a draft, lest without one you do something wrong.
- Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wood, nor his tools,
nor his show job, nor anything that is thy neighbor's.
- Honor thy tools, thy hammer and screwgun, thy jigsaw
and router, lest they cease to function or cause you Grievous
- Thou shalt not act. Truly the actor is needed in the
Theatre, but remember that thou art a Techie.
- Thou shalt not injure thy fellow Techie in any way,
whether through carelessness, cruelty, or perversion.
- Thou shalt not take the name of the TD in vain, nor
say any insult unto the TD's face, for the TD does control
who gets the good show jobs.
- Thou shalt not be ignorant of thy task or thy surroundings.
If thou understandest not thy task, ask for help, but
once you know, let not your mind wander from completing
it. But, be not so absorbed in work that you see not the
batten flying in on top of you.
- Thou shalt not begrudge to offer your help where you
are needed, albeit the task be not to your liking.
- Above all, keep always in your heart your love and faith
for the Theatre, your memories of good times and friends,
and they shall sustain you through all things.
- Whereupon, the TD ceased to speak, and commanded Makita
to bring forth two pieces of three-quarters of an inch
- This done, a gleaming router did appear in the air,
and did inscribe these Ten Really Important Rules unto
- And the TD said unto Makita, Go, take these laws unto
my children, follow them with thy heart, and you and your
successors shall prosper.
God looked down on the theatre as hell week approached
and he saw that the techies and actors were not ready for
their performance. It was not because they didn't have their
lines memorized, or that they didn't have their set built.
It was because they couldn't get along with each other long
enough to put everything together.
He thought to himself the difference between acting and
teching is like the difference between light and dark. For
actors are stupid people who do not understand the dark
side for they walk in the light. For centuries, an ongoing
battle between the light and dark has been taking place
with no end in sight. For one cannot have light and darkness
together because they are opposites and cannot exist together.
God had to find a way to put an end to this horrible blood
bath. He decided to build a buffer between the two sides.
He would create a new theatre person composed of the core
from both the light and the dark. "My creation will be able
to move swiftly in the dark and speak fluently before an
audience." said God. "He will know the secrets of the techie
equipment and drink large amounts of coffee. He will not
be irritating or think that he is above all--like some actors.
I will call this person the TECHTOR." he continued.
God created this new theatre person and sent him to the
theatre in time for the next play. The Techtor became the
envy of all theatre kind. For he did not walk in the dark
or the light. He walked in the GRAY! All strived to be like
him, but few succeeded.
As time passed the actors and techies soon began to unite.
For the Techtors, though small in numbers, began to take
over the theatre with their superior skills. Since actors
are self-centered and don't want anyone taking the spotlight
away from them, and techies don't want anyone who stands
in that spotlight knowing their techie secrets they rose
up as one to over throw the Techtors. A great battle ensued
and many actors and techies were lost to the superior Techtors.
But the actors and techies were successful and were restored
to power and began to reign side by side in peace and prosperity.
- Have additions to calendar?